Sitting in douchebagland surrounded by loud bass-bumpin jingles and shaky television screens, Barney's Beanery never felt
more vacant.

I do my best - but tonight was a big one. These past couple days have been an amalgam if reaches, pulls, let-gos and bounce backs.
But you know what happened last night for the first time in a long time? My heart burned, for somebody.
Tonight, my heart smiles sadly - different reasons. It's possible i have been hiding behind a fear of commitment for the past three years... I mean I've loved my twenties. Loved them! How many adventures did I have that never felt like enough, how many risks did I blow through, accidents, hard-carved failures, decimated dreams, fulfilled philosophies and a complete mastering followed by a slow life-learning curve only starting to unravel into orderous ordeals.

Enough with the alliterations. This place smells like a fart. I wish you could hear the thicknecked doucheyells billowing behind my back. I can barely hear myself type.

In other words - I've been scared to commit. To anything. I've only chosen safe outings to scoot along down, those with predictable outcomes. I'm, as anyone, in fear of the great unknown.

It has to be with the right people. The right squires dressing your shoulders and legs.. and tonight I realized I'm not as far away from the dragon as I had imagined, much closer than a year ago. Feeling the heat of his fiery breath, singed by the promoxity, it dawned on me tonight that I need more armor than this. Because the dragon doesn't leave survivors.. There is no mercy in his wrathful attack. So I have to be ready. I started this battle, now I have to see it through. All the way until the dragon is a buried skeletal myth, and I his kingdom's king.

This fight, it's not far off.

So Smashing Pumpkins 1979 comes over the Barney's Beanery jukebox.

Lates for now foolios