Dudebras

What's the difference between now and 5 minutes ago?
5 minutes ago there weren't three chocolate chip cookies in my stomach.

All About Dudebras: A Bro-ography

by Mikie Beatty

Dudebras can range from shaggy blond-haired wannabes to heavy buzz-cut button-up hip-hoppers.

Dudebras live in the rural vicinity of mid to northern California. You will not find the Dudebra outside of this region. Not even LA. Dudebras reign supreme between the coastal regions of San Luis Obispo and Half Moon Bay. The epicenter of Dudebradom is a place called Santa Cruz.

Before going outside, Dudebras will study hat placement.
Meticulously, the hat will be lowered, tilted and leveled with the bill matching the horizon line perfectly, resting just above the eyes.

Dudebras are locals, but also may be from out of town only if they reign from the "East Coast".

Dudebras have girlfriends, but lie to them in order to sleep with other Dudebras' girlfriends.

Dudebras practice incest amongst friends. If one Dudebra has finished doing his chick, another Dudebra is expected to get his game on, on the finished female. If he does not succeed, an outside Dudebra will swoop if there is too much downtime (ie. if the female does not have sex for more than 24 hours).

Dudebras don't speak, they chortle. You can recognize the resonating chortles of a Dudebra from outside of any bar or alcoholic gathering place on a given Thursday night.

Dudebras seek doing nothing to make money. The average Dudebra is "loaded", meaning his income exceeds his expenditures on a yearly basis greatly. This is usually due to fortunate circumstances because of a deceased Father, a hard-working grandfather who's ethics disappeared with the Dudebra's father, or a lucky friend who pyramid-schemed the Dudebra into joining. Dudebra's will refuse to work, but be pissed! if they don't have money to spend.

Dudebras are fat. No Dudebra will ever be asked if he was "gay or straight?" because of his looks. In order to prove to all ladies that he is not gay, the Dudebra will be fatter than average. You might look at the Dudebra and think he is buff or beefy or built or ripped - but you will secretly know that what you' are saying is that he is fat and you just don't mind. Admit it.

Dudebras have facial hair.
I have pubic hair.
Dudebras have facial hair.

Dudebras say phrases like, "if you have a boyfriend, why isn't he here?" Dudebras don't know any other subjects besides girls, and so their sources for conversation topics are limited to "...well where is your boyfriend now" etc. Dudebras think global warming is for geeks. A Dudebra knows that the beach is for "surfing and walk my dog". And a forest is for Trees.

Dudebras have dogs. A Dudebra would never have a cat because chicks have cats. Dudebras have pit-mix dogs. These are called bra-dogs. If you see a pit-mix playing and looking cute, it is because a Dudebra is in the nearby vicinity.

Dudebras will hit on your girlfriend when you are not around. This is not a warning, it is a statement; be aware of if you are planning a visit to Northern California. Or your girlfriend is.

Dudebras don't have guns. They've never touched a gun. But they can talk about guns, and talk about rap music about guns. But Dudebras will not have guns. Dudebras might have knives, but only pocket ones.

Dudebras just got out of a long-term relationship and so are just looking to "f*ck around" with chicks. At a bar, 96% of dudebras just want to "f*ck around" with chicks, 2% want to "get with" chicks, 1% is looking for true love, .75% are too drunk to look for chicks, and .25% will end up gay by the end of the night.

That's all I have for now.
Goodnight