anger management

I got pretty angry for the first time in a long time last night. We had just finished a show and were having a little barbecue at Michael's housesitting house in Hollywood Hills when the conversation I was involved in escalated to an argument about some stupid things, and I got angry.

Honestly, I'm not sure why it's been so long since I've really been angry. Is it because nothing's made me mad in the past few months? Or is it because anger is that one emotion I don't show anyone unless I actually feel comfortable enough around them that I won't lose friends if I voice my opinion. I think that's what happened last night.

I mean, I've spent day in and day out with these people, rehearsing and running and performing the show to the points of exhaustion, and I think last night for me was a moment when I actually let go of my careful Los Angeles mentality and just went for it.

The problem with me getting angry is that it's an expression of love on my behalf. Most of my life has been in situations where you have to shout to be heard, and in my older years I've learned to just shut up and say nothing and let the other guy be right in situations where I'm new to the group or friendships. Then when I start to love the people, I let go of my filters when I have an opinion (don't we all) and just say what I'm thinking. This does actually work sometimes, arguing with people you love knowing that they're not going to judge you for saying what's on your mind and will listen to what you're saying..

It's just, I wish we all argued the same way. I want to fight with you so I can find a resolution and learn something new. That's how it's worked with the closest people in my life, since day one. A fight breaks out, but instead of people walking away from it we stick around and hash it out until a peaceful resolution is reached and the group has all-the-more bonded. I wish everybody wanted this.. because at this point in my life I usually just avoid most conflicts knowing that people won't stick around for the resolution.

Then there's moments like last night when we get too comfortable, and say "f**k it, I'm going to voice my opinion" and then all hell breaks loose, so to speak. Guess I jumped the gun.

I trust these people and am there for them. Now I just hope they feel the same. It's a funny thing being in LA and trying to be yourself in front of others. Sometimes people just aren't going to like you for it.

That said, the show went great this weekend. Most things are great. I'm gonna go help out on that movie now.

Lates foolios

Mikie