peanut butter and chocolate

my heart's exploding.
Mostly because I just ate about 5 peanut butter cookies in under two minutes, and partly because of how thrilling the chill of winter and heat of summer can shake your bones with a certain sweat of life.
We went to the San Francisco today. There was a long truck with the word PHANTOM written across it in black and white. For some reason, I felt like a child haunted and mesmerized, and a little desirous. That's kind of how I've always felt about the San Francisco. The stretching hills of lines of houses in faded pink and off-white, that huge fork-antenna towering over everything, the frenetic slurry of to and fro in crowded crosswalks of Market St, the slick library art, the indoor shelters and laughing bums, AWESOME! San Fran.
San Francisco remains a mystery to me - a code.
And the best part about mysteries?

Solving them

colloquialistic vermouth

in the great scheme of my everlasting Gobstopper (life) there have been of few voluptuous quotes having filled my bosom with brims of healthy bewonderment. Of these quotations, I have here selected the mitest tip-tops, words that suit my current fancy and most curiously puzzle. Be them words contained within the lives and belly of a snake, or the countless daunderings of that smelly thing we call hope, these waterlike quotable phrases have spilled their way onto my blogabyte, hitherto they lay, laid and translated for the feeble eyes and ways of seldom few. Bare with me if you will, and take with you what can you find, wherever else but here, some quotes:
(as you read each quote in the moment would you but not allow its mellow philanthrophy to dwaddle and dat beneath your hat and swim within your hearty heart of hearts?)

The grass is always greener on the other side

If you break it you buy it

If it ain't broke don't fix it

Two wrongs don't make a right

If you love something give it away

I don't care what you believe, just believe it

In youth and beauty wisdom is rare

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you

Indian-giving.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

Where have all the merrymakers gone?

Would you rather...

There is no I in Team

Yes We Can

I have a dream

How do you pick up the pieces of an old life?

Never have regrets

Peace, Love and Happiness.

Live locally, Love globally

Blub big time

And there we have a mouthy verse,
and one bag of chips after.

some sweet song lyrics

they say a watched pot won't ever boil
well I closed my eyes and nothing changed
just some water getting hotter in the flames.

if you still want me, please forgive me
because the star is not within me

something filled my heart with nothing
someone told me not to cry
now that I'm older my heart's colder
and I can see that it's a lie

children wake up, hold your mistake up
before they turn the summer into dust
children don't grow up
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up
we're just a million little gods causing rainstorms
turning every good thing to rust
I guess we'll just have to adjust

with our ligtning bolts aglowing
I can see where I am goin to be when the reaper comes and touches my hand

the worst poem I have ever written, By Mikie Beatty

..

big econ test just done

I must say was kind of fun

did I learn? new ways of thinking

like how money's value's shrinking

I know little bout inflation

or the reserves of a nation

but I certain understand

concepts of supply, demand

so however I just did

I'm edumacateded

knowing just a little more about

the money in my checking account.

(or the bucks I found last night

at the laundramat, twas TIGHT!

so I used some as I pleased

to buy TJs groceries

Now here is a fine story

of the exchange of currency

for some food for us to go through

like the cheese, salad and tofu,

that I bought for forty bucks

I found in the laundry muck)

now I'm writing patiently

waiting for a girl with me

to return from in her class

hoping unhappy will pass

so we can go buy costumes

Halloween is coming so soon

Like, in 4 days.

the farther away the storm seems to spread
the more the clouds should dissipate
unfortunately I am stuck in dread
of brewing heathen-demon-strike of late
like lightning's bang! and thunder's rolling waves
i cannot exit from this endless cave.

Sometimes old music really strikes chords with me. There's something about the simplicity of the lyrics, melodies, instruments - simple talents that are refined to greatness. I like simple things that are done very well rather than complicated things that are done in mediocrity.

I've made a couple videos lately.
I'll post them on here as soon as I can

eggs and TP

The door to the liquor store stood wide open. Breathing some fresh Santa Cruz morning air I strolled on in, in my pajamas. Holy shorts and a sweatshirt is all anyone should be wearing at nine o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. The asian guy at the counter smiled big and said hello. Sunlight was streaming through the windows of the liquor store like God's rays, illuminating rows of items and packaging. Glass and dusty plastic glinted like jewels in the coastal morning sun. Sauntering, I wound my way around the aisles, touching cereal boxes and toothbrush containers, looking curiously at a large plastic jug next to the coffee station and deciding it was a container for milk. Finally at the back, my bounty: Toilet Paper.
And there was a selection! All in 4-packs, I had Melody, Happy Time, Soft Tissue and singles of Bathroom Paper. I went with Melody since the label had the most colors.
After another round around the aisles and cluttered shelves, I made my way back to the smiling guy at the front.
"One eighty-three" he said to me with lips curved upwards. From my sweatshirt pocket I grabbed the wad of bills I had snagged from the coffee table earlier. Four dollars. I slid two from the clump and handed them to the man. Smiling he took the dollars and made change with two quarters.
"Need a bag?"
"No I'm ok. Uh, do you guys have eggs?"
"Yeah yeah, right there in the third door, below the Red Bull sign"
Definitely not locating any third door or Red Bull sign, I assured him,
"Oh, ok. I see, ok"
I headed off in the direction of his extended finger. Preparing myself to look aimlessly for eggs for the next five minutes instead of going back and asking a second time, I saw the Red Bull sign.
Behind the glass door dozens of eggs were stacked inside, at a reasonable marked price. I pulled open the door and picked the perfect dozen, I mean this one was IT, the dozen. When I pick eggs, I mean business. I opened it to check for cracks, closed the cooler door behind me and wound my way back around the aisles towards my smiling friend.
"Two thirty-nine"
Into my pocket again I located two more bills and my fifty cents coins, which I started to give the man,
but I looked at the money for a second

Last week 700,000,000,000 dollars were exchanged between our government and banks. That's 700 billion, or 700 bazillion

I handed my two bills and coins to the smiling guy. He smiled, and gave me the cents back for the purchase. I glanced at his counter again to see if there was anything else I might need. Nah, no gummy worms or jerky this morning, so I scooped up the eggs and made to go.
"Thank You," I said to him. We both knew I'd be back soon.
Eggs and TP in arm, I sauntered out the door and back into the brisky fresh sunlight of Saturday morning.

opportinuty cots

one cold breath of freezing stars sweeps me away to a heaven that I wake up next to the sunshine with nothing to say but smiles and gaping at things without breathing I can focus on nothing when sitting all clenched in a corner full of eyeballs and a terror inside that gardens' fruit falling does not allow.

gloriously bright

dans zum, vermitraki
polorni ferzia verdi
Mem co von Kerney, jon bobi
budarewootyp about? says I
vedere shamoo full barenylie
for fathoms saker mertridie.

saisons

un jour
deux quatre trois sept, cinq
quand elle ecrit, des jours Novembre
pleurir il pleut, pleurir soleil!
comme fortitude elle est etrange
comme gross explosion dans mes veines
avec les noir, rouge et sarcelle
les saisons sont faites rien de mal

really bad things happened tonight
because i don't have a job
how simple and mundane a reason
you think, 'what a lazy slob'
and so the purpose of this poem
is to describe in some detail
the places to which I have applied
with my resume, to no avail:

#1 Rosie McCann's, Santa Cruz
#2 Cabillo College
#3 UC Santa Cruz
#4 Limelite Cafe
#5 La Posta Italian Bistro
#6 Hoffmans downtown
#7 Kianti's Italian
#8 A shop at the harbor
#9 A movie man in SF
#10 Bookshop Santa Cruz
#11 Bugaboo sporting goods
#12 Logos books too
#13 Borders of course, who wouldn't
#14 Trader Joe's, downtown
#15 Seabright Brewery
#16 Takari Sushi
#17 Shogun Sushi too
#18 Beckmann's Bakery
#19 Lulu's
#20 Pacific Edge
#21 PCFMA (Pacific Coast Farmers Markets)
#22 A bar downtown
#23 your mom's garage
#24 a random disney TV spot
#26 Soif


+more, random TV submissions including: San Jose TV broadcasting stations and SF acting jobs.

Some might not believe me,
but I don't freakin care.
The opportunities are nearly none,
I'll stop pulling out my hair.
I've done everything I could,
except go back to Pizza My Heart
the one place I was told I shouldn't
now i'm here back at the start
alone again.

delusions of grandeur

After a small session with one of the community college advisors at Cabrillo, I might be more confused afterwards than I was before. The lovely lady made it perfectly clear that she could not help me, and neither could anybody else. In her tone of sweet sorrow, I was once again reminded that the great unknown will remain impenetrably abstract until Mikie decides blindly that it is time to take whatever step into the whatever waters of whatevertheheck.

This is me. A fixed uncertain creation, product of the higher-educational boom, a man without immediate purpose, choosing a future, purposely predisposed with patience until a Purpose, properly, is produced.

We can force change, but force is violence, which leads to sorrow. We can await change, but waiting is complacency which leads to disappointment. Stuck in the middle: confused for a while, certain for a while, confused for a little while longer, sometimes in all directions are sea waves of white caps, sometimes the shiniest sun shines brighter than the high sky's brightest shine.

then the crowd that used to be inevitable. They are now a dissipated shrapnel of friends blasted across the continent, where is each piece.

as creatures we seek to mend pain, find warmth in cold, cheer in sorrow. Humans are animals searching for a balance, seeking a homeostatic finale. Put your foot into the mud and the dipping will always make a print. But you must step to act; you must make a print. If you do not step, you wait.

When you look at pictures, everyone was smiling all the time.

What is the sadness always wrestling with midnight?
I must rediscover a totally constant state of peace. I must learn to accept myself unconditionally again. That I should have asked the college advisor about.