delusions of grandeur

After a small session with one of the community college advisors at Cabrillo, I might be more confused afterwards than I was before. The lovely lady made it perfectly clear that she could not help me, and neither could anybody else. In her tone of sweet sorrow, I was once again reminded that the great unknown will remain impenetrably abstract until Mikie decides blindly that it is time to take whatever step into the whatever waters of whatevertheheck.

This is me. A fixed uncertain creation, product of the higher-educational boom, a man without immediate purpose, choosing a future, purposely predisposed with patience until a Purpose, properly, is produced.

We can force change, but force is violence, which leads to sorrow. We can await change, but waiting is complacency which leads to disappointment. Stuck in the middle: confused for a while, certain for a while, confused for a little while longer, sometimes in all directions are sea waves of white caps, sometimes the shiniest sun shines brighter than the high sky's brightest shine.

then the crowd that used to be inevitable. They are now a dissipated shrapnel of friends blasted across the continent, where is each piece.

as creatures we seek to mend pain, find warmth in cold, cheer in sorrow. Humans are animals searching for a balance, seeking a homeostatic finale. Put your foot into the mud and the dipping will always make a print. But you must step to act; you must make a print. If you do not step, you wait.

When you look at pictures, everyone was smiling all the time.

What is the sadness always wrestling with midnight?
I must rediscover a totally constant state of peace. I must learn to accept myself unconditionally again. That I should have asked the college advisor about.