So, a little behind the times (everyone else saw it opening night at the Arclight and such places) I finally got to behold the event that is Avatar last night, at the El Dorado Hills Regal Cinemas, a ridiculous place, with Hillary Daniel John Candice and Amanda.
So here's my list of thoughts, comments, observations:
#1: People! Wise UP! Do not cut in line else I shall call you OUT and embarrass you in front of your friends. NO cutting. If peeps be waitin' patiently for Avatars n' shit, you don' cut no sneak no shimmy dat ass any closer dan de designated spot-in-cue that you done got assigned while waitin' to buy yor ticket. For SEERS, yo. noneadat.
#2: 3D glasses. I like to call it the Healing Curve, or our ability to adapt quickly to physical environmental changes that we know we're gonna have to put up with for the next 3 hours. (See Also: Burning in Hell for Eternity, and my theory debunking the myth that it is actually an effective form of punishment.)
#3: Movie Theaters are not libraries. You can talk in them before the movie starts. Be mindful of children, but if you have a dirty joke to tell to your friends don't let the old people in the adjacent row with their "SHHHH'S!!" deter you from your mission of utilizing those precious moments before the movie starts to make a scene.
#4: Radvatar. First of all, why are 20-ft blue cat people so sexy? Even Sigourney's hot. Didn't see that one coming. Second, the flying scenes will literally lose you. It's one thing to be in a forest with illuminated petals spotted by raindrops, but flying through the air on a red and yellow pterodactyl never felt so gosh-darned good as it did last night, especially when you're in love with the cat woman on her dinosaur next to you.
Honestly, I'm finally sold on the 3D thing and the CGI thing. Afters years of angst and gagging over the terrible calamity that is CGI to replace puppetry in films, last night I found myself never once having a moment of "that's FAKE." Obviously it's fake, but in it's fakeness it never looks fake! Other films exhibit their CGI like its so cool, and you're like dude the intro to Warcraft II was cooler (see also: Harry Potter movies Suck and/or Star Wars I-III is like eating too much Costco cake). Since I have no f-ing clue how they made this movie, I also have no f-ing clue how they could make this movie any better...I think the critics would agree, and that's why they try to harp on the storyline - because that's the only aspect of the film that they know the slightest bit enough about to discuss. Everything else is so brand spanking new,
and it sells like snowcones in the Sahara.
#5: Indigenous peoples fighting machines with bows and arrows DOESN'T WORK
#6: Moviehopping: yes, it is still a possible and very plausible way to spend the rest of your Saturday night. But I have no idea how people can sit through 5-7 hours of movies. I mean, 2 1/2 hours is aplenty for this boy. I suffer from something called Having Energy, and sitting in 2 or 3 movies at a time is more exhausting than a day of rafting.
#7: And finally, if you are going to get a McDonald's Sundae for $1.09 afterwards, make sure you don't ask someone else to put the peanuts on top while you're driving. You might regret it the next morning.
That is all
FAREWELL
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